I Am What I Am
by AnnTaylor87
Summary: Danielle Coulson is a tough agent and she learned don't let emotions or personal problems be a real issue. But as time goes by, it's one challenge after another. Whether does she meet S.H.I.E.L.D., Avengers or space. No wonder, there are legends all around her and fate didn't say it's last words. (side-story of /s/11907366/1/And-What-Am-I)
1. Chapter 1

_**This story is probably a little bit strange. It's side-story told by it's protagonist and it's related to „And What Am I" with OC, Peter Quill and the rest of his crew in the space. The protagonist of this story is the older sister of the mentioned OC, so it will fill in their family background, the connection to S.H.I.E.L.D., Avengers and aliens and also, at a certain point, it will clash. But still, this is not the life of Jenna Coulson after CA: WS in GotG, but the life of Danielle Coulson from the start to GotG2 (in the canon for this, the events of the Guardians movies were farther apart). Actually, I made this up wit my friend Jenna (yeah, that friend) a looong time ago. Years. Only now I finally put it together and the category was also a problem because it's happening everywhere. But my heart lies with the truest S.H.I.E.L.D. which is personified in Coulson (what the hell did happened with him in the end of season 4?!), so I decided for Agents crossing with Guardians. Or, in a fewer word, my MCU fanfiction from another point of view.**_

 _ **P.S. You may think that Danielle is kind of Mary Sue with her abilities and family, but trust me. This Mary won't have a perfect life, otherwise she would not be what she is. She's insufferable sometimes, I'm not joking with her hard heart, she can be ruthless and she will do... things.**_

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I don't understand how could I get into this. Hm. No. Lie. I do. I think I just don't want to think about it. I'm not able to think about anything that happened and mainly what I did. Someone would probably tell it was a damn wild ride. I would agree with him. Yesterday. It was my life and I accepted it as it was. Absolutely extraordinary. What else could it be? I even enjoyed that. Everything around me. My abilities, my training, my position, contacts and my hard heart. Everything was giving me the sense of power and freedom I only need to reach for and have it because there's no one to stop me. I loved it. And maybe that's why I didn't let myself hear the echo of cracks in my aura of a mysterious agent. If anything wasn't according to the plan, I changed the plan. If something failed, I let it be and moved on. Just so. As if nothing could pierce it deeper. I thought that impossible. But now I know I just didn't want it. It was easier to be an agent. Not to work like one, but to be it. I think I felt like that because they killed my innocence in the time it still needed to rule longer over me. No, I wasn't a golden, perfect child. And I as hell wasn't an abused child. It all just happened too fast. I just wasn't fit for this planet.

I was fourteen then. I've always known I was different. Weirdly different. I hardly hurt myself. I am strong. Fast. Tough. And incomprehensibly heavy, although just like others, at least for the eyes. And I knew my sister Jenna was different too. I loved to spy, watch and find anything connected to the job of my father and my grandmother and it didn't take a long time to get used to the difference as our essence. I couldn't find out how much different am I, anyway. What I am. And maybe I didn't really care back then. I was just a high school student, true, not only one school. We were moving from time to time as our dad was a field agent. But he wasn't so important. The name Phil Coulson didn't hold the hallmark yet. If I can skip the fact that his mother established S.H.I.E.L.D. But he wasn't busy any less. Actually, it was a wonder that our family worked. And if not, he prepared another wild ride. Like the cavalry May as a babysitter. We saw her sides that the rest of the world doesn't believe she has. The meeting with Hank Pym. Once, a really long time ago, our grandma Peggy had to take me with her to Howard Stark. I didn't like him. And he died, though. But I learnt to see my life among legends as normal.

And I also lived normally. A normal school, normal hobbies. Normal lessons of a flute. I hated it. Notes were... I don't know, no language is a problem for me. Save for the language of the music notes. And maybe everything could be different if I didn't attend the lessons. Maybe there would be no first massive point on my list of "Happened" and no list "I did" at all. I would just sit at a desk in the headquarters or some base and dispatch the agents. Or sit on the bench in the courtroom, pointing on the sinners. But I did attend it.

It usually took a place at evening. And usually, someone was picking me up, or I used the tram once in a while. But once my dad was out of the town and it seemed logical to me to walk home in the middle of the summer. I was no package of golden bricks in need of an escort.  
Well, they thought I had one with me. Or a wallet or a few carats on my neck. Perhaps. I was as heedless as a fourteen years old can be. And helpless as well when I realized, that the two shadows behind me wouldn't pass and I wouldn't outrun them. When I felt a hand on my neck and bumped into the wall.

There were only two of them. Today... I would deal with them before they realized their fatal mistake. Then... it cost more.

I was terror-struck. I barely noticed what were they saying. One of them tore my bag off my shoulder and ransacked it. He couldn't find anything, I didn't carry golden bricks after all. The second one pulled out a knife. Or was he holding it the whole time? I was so afraid. Blood roared in my ears more than words. They could take my bag and run, but they just threw it on the ground. I had nothing with me. They knew. Yet, they didn't run.  
Both of them were older than me. Bigger. Stronger. Or I thought in that moment and didn't realize any advantage I could have. And they smelled. Not... of sweat or filth. Nor a cheap cologne. Or an expensive one, when it comes to it. It was a strange smell. Perhaps, I even didn't smell that, more like... felt it. It was scary. Suffocating. It choked me along with dread, so I couldn't even scream. I couldn't put together any words. Or grasp what did they want. Only the smell told me. It and a shiny, short blade by my neck. A blade that went down to my shoulder and cut the strap of my top. The smell... the feeling was stronger then. I panicked.

I couldn't move nor scream. They would hurt me, I knew. I was afraid. Of pain. Fear. But I didn't get a word out of me. I didn't try to escape. I couldn't pick up a single thought. The panic took over me. Instead of observing the situation and a solution, instead of the voice of reason, chaos flared up inside me.  
They could be two. Searching my bag and tearing my jacket off. They could be ten. Singing opera. It didn't matter. Chaos was burning more and more, that... that scream or... the singing was louder and louder, the red around me blended with bright orange. The heat was spreading all over my body.  
And I cried out.

It wasn't my inner chaos what was burning anymore. My palms were full of flames climbing up my arms. And where their fingers were holding me a while ago, blackened sticks remained.  
The fire was climbing up to me and them. But while I felt a calming, cleaning warmth and heard a singing, they were screaming in agony, until the heat closed their throats. Incredibly fast. Incredibly gracefully.  
Then the scream stopped. Chaos disappeared.  
My back hit the wall again and I dully watched the show in front of me.

They couldn't cry anymore and they couldn't stand. They both collapsed. Their skin cracked and smoking blood was flowing from under their burnt clothes.  
They lost their hair and lips. Boiling slime flowed from their eyes... from what used to be their eyes. But they were still alive. They jerked with the final spasm of incredible pain. A smoldering tongue was lying next to a collapsed, black face of the first one. The second one... clenched his fists, like he could defeat the fire. He desperately tried to roll on his back. Eventually, the flames burned out the last drops of their energy and their spree was over.

My hands remained intact. I lost my sleeves, but not a single blister implied the flames touching my skin. I examined them. I was warm, they heated, more than they should. Otherwise, they looked normal. I could pretend to not understand. Yell, want an explanation. But I knew I did it. I brushed off the ash, their former skin, of my forearm in a sudden attack of disgust. I knew the flames came out of me, that I was on fire and burned them. And that... that it was so...

In that moment, I got scared again. Of what I felt. This was so... so wrong... I shouldn't do it. I shouldn't feel it. I couldn't feel it! I couldn't be such... monster.

I ran. But not home. I just wanted to get as far as possible from the look at the two terribly scorched bodies. I let my bag there. I didn't think. I didn't care whether someone would find my stuff, saw me, whether the police would come, make an opinion. I was running and didn't care to where.

Finally, I squeezed between a wall and a long time unloaded dump container behind some restaurant with hammered windows and the sign FOR RENT some blocks further. I was shaking. I felt a pressure behind my ears and a fear everywhere. Different, though. Not worry about myself, but of myself. Of what could it mean. What would happen. What was I. What would I do. That fire woke up inside of me. And that I was a murderer.

That was the first step to becoming what am I today. Maybe it still could be reversed. My sister is afraid of her abilities and doubts herself like I did then. She caused some unpleasant incidents too. But, I don't know how, my dad found me. Probably because S.H.I.E.L.D. immediately jumped after this strange ignition. Maybe he was just lucky. But he found me and understood what happened. What did I do. He seemed like he expected something like that. He expected, that something would be in me at least because he told me I am not and never will be a monster. I was confused. And he didn't explain, like always. He'd never explained our origin regardless my notions. He didn't want to. Just repeated I'm no monster. That I'm more. That I'm his angel. And I calmed down... and never said that. Never saw myself like that. I ceased to fear.

I had to add a training, of course. My dad had to allow to use my "gift" in exchange for covering this event up and for the fact, that it all remained only at the head of S.H.I.E.L.D., basically only the director knew, and no one would examine me. No bargain. They could let a pyrokinetic slip between their fingers only if... a god would fall into their lap instead. Not that I objected. They'd always known how to lure people. So I started my training at an extremely young age and director Fury looked forward to a special agent carrying out the riskiest missions.

It took time. I didn't want to give up the formal education. I chose the law. And next to it, hard drill constantly escalated to make me an agent. And when Fury had been sure I was in and wished to fully cover my abilities, that I liked it and wouldn't back even from a high price, he let me know he's making me a killer. He taught me, or the instructors of S.H.I.E.L.D. academy, combat and defense, shooting, spy techniques, everything the others were taught. On top of that, I had to work on my fire, out of the knowledge of the instructors and anyone else. Control it, cause it, smother it, use it in a place of a weapon and as a technique of mass destruction. Flare up on command and so intensively, that no material would withstand. And don't kill myself by thoughtlessly burning out the oxygen. He wanted to reach the maximum. Push the boundaries. And me too. To burn down a complex in minutes. To melt down fired bullet. Don't stop.

I had to say I let them beguile me easily. I just had to remember what did my father say. That I'm no monster. It was easy. Ultimately, to know there are a few ways to kill me, almost none to hold me or to force me and to know about my dangerousness intoxicated me. I had a power over life and death and I had a power over myself. Although my training kept me in check and made sure I wouldn't overstep Fury. How easy is to slip to killing as long as someone else orders it and I can act merely as a perfect weapon? I didn't feel regrets because I didn't think about it. I didn't let my morale or conscience be heard and I definitely didn't look into my targets. Moreover, I led the agenda of an ordinary agent usually. Carrying out missions, monitoring, detection of threats, eventually the elimination. Flying around the world, a deliberate romance with a bad boy. And only sometimes being assigned to a special task, that would be a suicide for someone else.

Dad didn't know. No one did. I had a high clearance, worked closely with Fury, but no one was allowed to know on what. He kept his word about covering the truth, it came extremely handy for him. S.H.I.E.L.D. was in a completely different regime then. More friendly to the government, international organisations, the world. On the contrary, Fury was full of secrets and dirt like always, so he truly welcomed a secret section of his own. In fact, just like me. It felt great to be the one of the few in the world who knew about such terrific part of reality.

But on the other hand, I wasn't a machine. Some called me Fury's right hand. To the anger of agent Hill. Others just agent. Perhaps it was my main feature. However, there was still more. I was still in touch with colleagues and family. I was still a person. And then I just married.  
It was a foolish idea. I was an agent, but there still remained something inexperienced or stupid in me. I don't know whether did I truly love Matthew Chase. Agent Case. Probably not. No wonder we surprised everyone so much. And no wonder it didn't last.

Few months, almost a year. I was glad for any mission and any reason to get out of our home. We've never divorced, but I got out for good. He didn't mind. We shouldn't have get married at all.

And that wasn't even the end. Rather the beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Hey, there should be more premieres of Marvel movies, I always catch an ispiration after one.**_

 _ **This second chapter is more or less a filler chapter showing how bad was Danielle's choice of marriage and also some pieces about her and Jenna's, her sister's, history. I already hinted one scene from Jenna's point of view in And What Am I and it's quite important detail. But this is still about Danny. Btw., what do you think will the last 'Happened' of this chapter be?**_

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Matthew was... an agent. Very attractive one. He had brown eyes, brown hair, he was tall, a little bit older than me, but it didn't matter. I've always been into older men, I don't know why. Or I do, but I don't need to analyse that. And this case was just a few years. There were... more outstanding examples.  
He was going into the field for the usual missions. To watch, transmit, fetch. He was an operative and he looked like that. Trim, professional. But he could be nice and funny in the personal life. Or it seemed to me during the period of our functional relationship. He was simply ordinary, regular agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., which didn't change after our wedding. I don't think he minded my position. We barely talked about our jobs, just the most important things, he understood my job was something slightly different. But I still don't know why did I marry him. Probably because he asked me.

We met in the agency, we were flirting, sleeping together and I'm sure he truly fell in love with me. Simple. Of course, I never revealed what unusual power I have. He had to notice some oddities, I couldn't really hide the greater density of my muscle tissue or the bigger strength, even if I had some experience with an adaptation of my love life to this. But I never explained it to him. I hinted here and there that everything's not completely all right with me and that it's related to my place in the agency. I have an impression... I glimpsed his suspicion that they made me a secret guinea-pig. Like SSR with Captain America back in the war. I let him so, it was safer. Would he try to dig deeper, his low level and probably Fury stroke his fingers, so he didn't try.

Even this didn't discourage him. He really was in love. Regardless everything, he kept saying to me he's worried before every mission and he's glad I'm back after every one. He cared about me. He wanted to go into it. He wanted me. And maybe I thought I felt the same. That I liked to spend time with him, that he's great. So he proposed and I said yes. I believe the sincerity of his feelings to this day. Although I know about the second important matter that had its part in it and that would never occur to anyone. Definitely not me, so I didn't hesitate.

Our wedding was small. Few friends, Matt's mother, my sister, my father. He was shocked. Convinced I was crazy. He told me he could prepare the team to get me away. He would let me kidnap from the altar because he didn't expect me to have the desire to marry. It really amused me, but I didn't agree. So I married and he didn't say anything again. A shame. When I think about it, maybe even this didn't have to exist on my list 'I did'. It would be enough if he asked. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to give him an answer and I would run on my own. Away from Matt, an apartment in New York, few nightmarish future moments. But it didn't happen. He's never mentioned my marriage again as I've never mentioned his cellist player or anyone else.

I think he already realized he should know more about lives of his daughters. More in depth. And when he couldn't make it with me, he started to take my sister on some interesting and less dangerous missions around the world instead of letting her to some babysitter. So she could see him and spend time with him. Fury didn't mind much. How should I find out later, he didn't enforce Jenna's involvement with the agency, but he had certain knowledge about her own unearthly talent she had to have, so the closer to S.H.I.E.L.D., the better for him. She naturally didn't mind either. She wasn't used to having issues in the school, but she didn't protest against getting out of there. Against my will, it became upsetting. For example, when she got to Thor's hammer that started off the next phase of the mess through which are we wading today.

Meanwhile, I was working on my own missions and on a gradual decay of our fresh, "authority-sanctified" matrimony. In fact, everything vanished quite fast. Most of all Matt's amorousness and my happiness with my life, which was basically holding us together. Not my amorousness. Even if I would think I felt love to him, I've never had a wild crush on anyone as it usually happens. Never with no one. That's not in my power. I probably really lack such ability. I didn't think about it then, now I understand. I don't have serious crushes. I don't fall madly in love. It can even seem that I don't feel anything that a partner should, but... it will come eventually. Not so intense, not crazy, not apparent and not at once. More like something... deeper, stronger. That needs to be built. That doesn't need to be shown nor spoken. And that, how I realized a few years later, may be much more destructive. Only then I just thought I'm a tough, ruthless agent to the bone with or without my uniform, so I didn't judge whether was I with the right one. It was enough that I wanted him too. For a while.

I liked to come back to him for a while. We enjoyed it for a while. Living together. Then it started to creep in between us.

I wanted more freedom. More... I missed something desperately and couldn't find it at home. Matt felt it, it frustrated him and of course, the feeling he's not good enough bothered him. My attitude started to be annoying to him. His pink glasses fell off and he began to understand he didn't want to deal with my flaws. Differences between us deepened. Perhaps it was my fault. No, surely it was. I didn't try to work on our relationship any further, only with my lack of interest and backing. But I couldn't help myself. I felt chained and nailed to the ground by everyday routine. I needed to breathe, lead my life according to myself, not to face of anyone else's habits. That couldn't work in pair. I extended my missions, although unnecessarily. Some overtimes due to the paperwork, extra days due to the research of secured materials, more extra days due to the longer monitoring. Brazil, Alaska, Israel. Oh, Israel...

I'm not a newbie for this country. And not for the work with Mossad. But for the first time, it was something. Our plans don't always correspond with theirs, so there is a risk for every agent. It's not advisable to play with Mossad. They don't handle people with kid gloves. More like iron, painful gloves. Only I had an advantage so I did play. Not with the agency, I've always done what I should and tried to stay low. It's not desirable to kill in the course of the work with a foreign government agency. But with one particular agent.

Agent Eyal Lavine is among my closer acquaintances now. I met him on my first action in Israel, where I haven't ended completely successfully, but I have ended in bed with him. He, again, was older. With three-day beard, dark hair and dark eyes. I think all men I was involved with were similar. Except the last one, but he is such exceptional and difficult to grasp case, that about him later. Eyal was simply an impressive man and when we met, there was no reason why to not let him know. I was free then, no Matthew at home yet, so... I don't know whether everything that happened between us could be called a romance. He liked me, I liked him, but we both stayed in the strictly professional zone. Apart from sex. Whether I was ally or enemy, we took an advantage. Moreover, It was my first bigger overseas secret mission. And I mean THE secret mission. On my level of clearance. That level out of levels. Where my name is not to be connected with my actions. Not even in internal reports.

Israeli gained some old Nazi materials from the WWII. And not just any materials. They concerned Tesseract, a strange cube that could be used as an energy source, didn't come from Earth, sent Captain America under the ice and thus spoiled his date with my grandma. Everyone knows their history, but by far not everyone knew it was this very cube. That this thing was that bomb rushing to New York and causing the crash of Captain's plane. And not everyone suspected Howard Stark already found it years ago. S.H.I.E.L.D. held it since then. Safely hidden at first. Then they started to analyse it. And in the end, use it. Fury was already the director and the Tesseract was stored in the hidden laboratory where a narrow circle of experts worked on it. Well, not really when I encountered it for the first time. It was still the analysis and research phase. And that was a wild ride too.

I was barely a teenager, my sister only a little, obedient and boring child. I have no idea how much my dad knew then and how important he was. This all happened before my powers were revealed. He planned to take us for a vacation for a few days, but they called him and he had to deal with something urgently. Something in a remote area where the public was prohibited. But we didn't let him be. It should be only a short stop, he had no one to watch us, so he dared to not keep the protocol completely and lock us in the car. Until he would do what he had to. Who knew what it was, we certainly didn't. And I didn't care. There were much more interesting things. Like what the hell was this windowless building, such thoroughly surrounded by fences, no entry signs and cameras by the gates.

So I naturally didn't listen, sneaked out of the car and took Jenna with me. She, for change, didn't want to go at all. She was ordered to stay, daddy said so, it must be so then. She followed me just because she was afraid. And when I discovered the big hole after half torn vent of the basement - I had no idea how ridiculously lucky we were, that there were not enough people to repair it duly because of the secrecy - she again didn't want to follow. Only when I told the first thing I thought of, that dinosaurs would eat her if she didn't go with me, or in front of me to see whether was it free, she obeyed. She feared dinosaurs. I loved Jurassic Park movie and she had nightmares every time I watched it. However, it was a foolish mistake. I should obey too and silence my curiosity. Or rather... this wasn't really curiosity. I wasn't used to carrying on such serious things as breaking in the government lab. Originally I want to just peek around the corner and stay by the car instead of baking inside. Nevertheless, I couldn't control myself. Or I didn't try, I needed to go there, I had to. It was more than just curiosity. It was... a need I couldn't explain.

It wasn't hard to get out of the vent once we were inside. Nor move around the building. That's because we slipped into the first unlocked door we have found and whenever did Jenna open her mouth, I covered it. Shut up, sis', they rather shouldn't find us here. It was clear to me and I was afraid what would happen if they spotted us. But even that didn't make me go back.  
Instead, we found ourselves in some concrete room with a lot of tables, computers with empty monitors or screen savers so none of them was on, boxes, stands and documents. I didn't look into any of them. We didn't open any box or drawer. We both just walked around and I browsed through the various tools and computer-like things full of wires and chips. Everything was shrouded in the dimness of this room interrupted only by faint bluish light. Even here were no windows.

Jenna finally piped down and it was obvious she wasn't going to protest anymore. On the opposite. She slowly, silently, without questions and with absolute certainty headed between desks to the place where the light came from. It was bluer and stronger now. And... more tempting. There's probably no other way to describe it. We both looked strangely unnatural in this light. Like we weren't in the middle of the US but somewhere far away. Somewhere scary. A bit like ghosts.

Finally, we realized that light originated in a weird, shiny, blue cube settled into a firm stand. I was sure I've never seen anything like that before. It was... perfect. It was no device nor a stone. It wasn't crafted or carved. But it was perfect. Full of electrifying blue that rolled over inside it and made abstract images. Or not completely abstract? When I looked closer, I... felt a sting of fear. I didn't notice I approached the desk but I quickly jumped back. Whatever it was, I saw it was dangerous. Because it felt... powerfully. Devouringly.

However, I didn't notice it didn't have the same effect on Jenna. Or she ignored it. She stretched her neck to see better and when she realized she's still too small, she reached her hand.  
I didn't stop her. I did absolutely nothing. I just froze when I saw her reaching after the cube. And when she grabbed it, it was too late. The cube flashed, alarm turned on somewhere behind several walls and doors and Jenna freaked out and dropped the cube on the ground. The alarm died immediately but the cube flashed even more and with it, which we didn't know, the electricity in the whole building had to blink too. We heard voices and steps where only dead silence used to be a while ago and Jenna realized this could mean a really big trouble. I understood long ago, grabbed her hand and wanted to draw her to the door. But she pulled off, picked up the cube and returned it to the place. Only then we disappeared through the same way. We didn't manage to get back directly inside the car, yet I don't think anyone figured out what we did. At least no one mentioned it.

That was the time I didn't know how incredible thing happened. Because I didn't know what was this cube. Then I shook that memory out of my head. Jenna too, I think. I never spoke about it and I wonder what does she think it meant. I figured after years. That nothing of that should be possible. That it should kill us both in a second. And after another few years, now, I know why it didn't. Why Jenna could take it to the hand like a candy. Without anyone finding out. I'm thinking how much wouldn't happen if this wasn't on my list 'I did', but... I would probably merely delay the inevitable. I don't think this was the real impulse waking anything. In me or her. It has always been there. I discovered it at fourteen during my stupid idea to go home alone at evening, Jenna... accidentally discovered part of her extraordinariness and did the thing with grandma... perhaps it could be also related to appearing of Thor and his hammer, she the thing at that time. Well, and the rest now, when she played important and let Fury and Rogers take her to Triskelion to the Winter Soldier.

But that is a different story from after my journey to Israel. And there I encountered the existence of Tesseract for the second time. Or rather researchers of Red Skull how our contact informed us. We needed to get them, at least to know what was in them. Then maybe destroy them, wouldn't there be another way. And especially, it meant longer job than one short trip. So I met Eyal, my chosen access point.

I was young, hardly experienced. I didn't have the chance to convert a lot of theory into the practice so far. I think it pushed him a little. And he wanted to play with me, he was much more experienced and expected to wrap me around his finger. He was short on information, still mysteriously smiled, watched carefully and waited for me to stop paying attention. I was there officially, that's why I had a uninformed agent as an access. But with an undercover assignment and totally... he was simply hot to me. I guess he recognised it pretty quickly. However, I was doing the same and he unknowingly served as a helpful role model. We both understood it's complicated situation once a spy knows spy is spying on him while he's spying on the spy. And that it's not really possible to go for the superiors with this. Especially when the spying is partly physical. I didn't resist, though. I wanted him as he wanted me, I wanted to enjoy it. I liked to enjoy such parts. Anyway, he had to know what I was really up to. Or suspect. That's why I almost failed. It was complicated and he had an advantage. We were on his field, he had the background. I had to move across a foreign territory, I led the attack, he was the defender.

I would say I wouldn't manage my task if he ratted me at any moment or told his suspicion. I would only certainly get away, although the ugly way. But he didn't do it. He was one of the few who knew about Red Skull's obtained treasure. Part of the group who transported it to Israel. But he did nothing serious to stop me.  
I wasn't convinced it's because of me. He rather wanted to handle it on his own. He didn't want to ask for help with one young girl who clearly wasn't long in this trade. He decided to make it his personal mission and played a waiting game. And it paid off. I found out where they were hiding all records, broke into one of the places and seized part of them. The misfortune was I had to irreparably damage the lock of one safety door, so the secret was out sooner than I could get to the second place. The train couldn't be stopped now and there awaited a welcome greeting in the end station. Or I though.

It wasn't pleasant. When I noticed inconspicuously reinforced guards awaiting the intruder, it ran through my head how to do it and don't kill anyone. Well, don't let anyone see me to kill. I couldn't smash everyone and if anyone saw me, it would break the truth about me. When I think about it, it was the only reason. It was a problem regarding me. The idea of some of them losing their lives, of the need to kill them, didn't disturb me as such. They were an obstacle, nothing more. That's what they wanted from me. Don't have an unnecessary compassion while there are more valuable things than a foreign agent.

S.H.I.E.L.D.'s contact freed me up of this in the end. He discovered they relocated the remaining documents and this was, in fact, a prepared trap. By none other than Eyal. He intended to catch me and make me say what did he need to know. So we lost the remaining documents along with the chance to get to them and what did I already have was necessary to bring home. Therefore I got a clear command from Fury - to abort the mission, get back, report, find a new way.

I thought not to listen at first. To do it on my own. A bit violently, perhaps effectively nevertheless. Just to get the new info from someone, as they wanted to do with me. For example from Eyal. But I rejected it. According to my training, that wouldn't be finished with the possibility that I didn't obey orders. And not to obey... much more had to happen before I fell there.

Moreover, I finished this mission. Our contact found the trace of the rest of the documents in the Israeli Embassy in Norway after few months. The Tesseract had been hiding there for centuries and they wanted safety and replace at least some of the stolen materials. They had the best chance in Norway. But at the same time, they weren't so naive to like storing of such important stuff out of their direct control and on the factual territory of another country, if not the juristical. Therefore, the remaining materials should again return home after certain succes and the best time for their extraction was their transport from the airport. Make no mistake, Mossad or whoever authorized by the Embassy surely did copies. Everything S.H.I.E.L.D. wanted was to know how far did they get. And whether did anything slipped to us by chance. The work on Tesseract was intensified and more courageous and my mission couldn't end incomplete. So I came back to take it all.

Which wasn't too difficult eventually. It turned out Eyal was assigned to the transport once more. Poor man.  
Of course, he realized I was watching him. In fact, he purposely led me and quite pulled my leg. I wasn't much more experienced. And he probably wanted to repay the firt stime. He almost did. He even confronted me in the safety of the square full of people. He told me I still didn't learn to properly spy or not to be so legible. He directly told me he knew it's about the suitcase he was transporting. He was rightfully sure there's not much I could do. I couldn't wrench the suitcase off his hand and run, I couldn't draw the attention of the public or police, I couldn't act. But what he didn't count on was that if no trick worthy of a hard-to-beat weapon could work, I would use a completely primitive trick leared by chance from a stupid criminal movie.

I returned his teasing for a while, tried to flirt and then hit his crotch with my knee and punched him in the middle of the chest. He went straight to the ground without a breath due to my strength, I knelt next to him and shouted he had a heart attack. Once I screamed for help and for an ambulance, a lot of people gathered around. Some of them bend over him to see how was he, others stood around and stared. Like everywhere in the world. Meanwhile, I pulled the suitcase off his hand while I „worriedly" loosened his shirt at his neck, knelt on it and looked around the crowd. Then I again called for an ambulance and asked whether some doctor was there. One man came forward saying he's a paramedic, I cleared the space for him, Eyal still tried to catch his breath. Then I pulled myself away with the suitcase, backed and ran before the gawpers realized he didn't have a heart attack. And that I didn't care at all. It was a matter of seconds.

On the other hand, this wasn't the important event at all. It had no important consequences for me, it meant nothing. Just one mission of many. So it's not worthy of further dwelling on it as well as it doesn't worth it to bring up another one. It's not important what happened, how did it end, what did I do and whether did Fury get what did he want. The important thing is I met Eyal there at lived my professional private thrill. So when I returned to Israel after some time, now as a married woman and more experienced agent and for a completely different reason, and met him again, now in all honesty and accidentally, I remembered times of adventure of my personal life that traced my job. We didn't fight nor sleep together, only almost. Both. But still. I remembered the freedom not tied up with anyone and anything. When I could play the tough girl with no remorse or regards for the future of not only ine. And I realized I missed that. That I didn't want to go back into the rut with Matthew. That I couldn't stand the idea of a return to the same, wasting and unfulfilling life into what I let myself be dragged. The memento of my past shook with me and woke up my old thirst buried by romantic delusion for a time. It opened my greed and selfishness again. And a direct way to another trouble back home. To another record on my list 'I did' and as it turned out later, my list 'Happened' too.


	3. Chapter 3

_**First of all, I'm sorry (for my English? No, I'm trying my best as not native, mostly self-taught person :P) I let this story go for too long and now I'm not able to finish it before the Infinity War which I hoped I will, because I'm really excited about my plan for the end. But I assure you, no matter what, I have my culmination and the end planned for a long time already and the movies just add details and the frame I can use. But also, as you see, I'm somewhere near phase 1 and 2 in my story (and I think I skip the use of the last season of Agents, I really don't like season 5), so there's not so short path in front of me. Most of all, Danny is still on Earth before Avengers 1 and Jenna and Quill still didn't save Xandar and the Orb in GotG 1, whereas their stories ought to meet during the GotG 2 (which will happen not months but few years apart). So the true battle for their identities, which is the reason for the titles, is still awaiting us.**_

 _ **However, now the next chapter is awaiting us! Enjoy!**_

* * *

I met an old friend from school some time after the return from Israel. Not from any training of S.H.I.E.L.D, but a civilian university, which I'd studied because I'd wanted to. And because I'd felt it's not enough to be a professional agent. That it's not bad to have some "real" specialization. It was law and the one I met again, who brought me to the wave that should take me back to an easy and full existence, and who stayed in touch with me for some time, was, paradoxically, Matthew too. Matthew Murdock. The only one bit younger than me. And blind. But somehow... extremely attractive and... different. Sort of serene. Nice, funny... no, no, I didn't fell in love. Probably not. In a few days? Because of the urge to be independent again? With everything? Hardly. He infatuated me because I'd liked him at the university already and I'd had a tiny unconfessed soft spot for him. Now we found a likeness in... let's say having a thing, I definitely was infatuated. He was definitely worth it. But it's all I can say about it.  
It was really just short, irresponsible period of time. Nothing more could work. None of us was thinking about a relationship, I couldn't tell so many things about me, not that I wanted to, and it ended as plainly as did it start without us being disappointed. I think. I wouldn't say he felt otherwise. It was just... an adventure.

Was I an irresponsible bitch? I guess. But Matt, the second one... in fact the first one, to whom I had said yes, wasn't saint.  
I didn't look into his potential unfaithfulness. I didn't care. He started to piss me off by his presence, his habits, when he left something on the ground, when he didn't, everyday married life seemed too sleeveless and empty. Sapless. Boring. Pathetic. I don't know whether it was just us or I never was suitable wife material. Therefore the romance with Matt, the second one, to whom I didn't say yes and who didn't even ask, burned fast and was completely opposite. Dynamic, gusty, neither of us had enough time to interfere in the life of the other, we had something in common and there was no space to get into the nerves. We were seeing each other, sleeping together, it was mainly a great distraction for both. In the marriage, though...  
I liked to be with my husband and in the action. At the start. Then I liked to be in the action better. And then I admitted I simply couldn't settle down. Not yet. If ever. That's why I readily got involved with old friends. Or got to burn out a mansion in Londrina in Brazil.

The mission S.H.I.E.L.D. sent me on... well, Fury, because missions like this weren't formally like others. S.H.I.E.L.D. as such didn't know what can I do and of course, there was always the problem with the impossibility of an approval for the, let's say, roughest. Those where the end justified the means. For which Fury had chosen me. And he didn't mind to have a secret and shady back. In fact, I think even now, S.H.I.E.L.D. can't work without ugly secrets. Bureaucracy, politics and transparency are good for traffic control department, but not for international security. But effective secrets are. And I was one of such effective secrets. On one hand as an exploited weapon, on the other proud I could be like this. He'd helped me to distance myself from the destruction and eventual death in which were some of my missions ending. It was always just my task and I learned not to think about it... humanely. Not sympathize. Not to care into the depth. Focus on controlling the situation via fast chaos.  
It wasn't so hard. He'd started when I had been too young. Perhaps it could be selfishly blamed on twisted puberty and a lot of other things that could psychologically excuse everything, even Winter Soldier. And my abilities helped a lot. When I use my pyrokinesis and I want to feel it, what wakes up in me overwhelms the rest easily.

So the mission Fury sent me on was just like the sort he'd intended for me from the start. Not for the direct impact but the execution. It wasn't any picking up, but simple elimination. Elimination of one arms dealer, whose supplies significantly started to threaten homeland security, especially regarding organized crime. Of course, CIA, ATF and other security services were alarmed and S.H.I.E.L.D. belonged among them. However, it was difficult to track down the said dealer, said target, and when they did, to cut him down. They traced his activities. They managed to stop some deliveries. Arrest one of his contacts. But it wasn't important to me. As they didn't manage to eliminate him and the only useful information was about his current hideaway.

He was hiding in Brazil and no USA agency could just smash in and unleash an attack on a well guarded, fortified mansion full of weapons in Londrina, surrounded by streets and houses with people, most likely innocent, on a foreign ground. Efforts with formal international extradition request worked similarly bad. Because certainty that he's in the business and the non-existent procedurally sufficient direct evidence is not, sadly, mutually exclusive. Especially if the person has friends in the right positions or at least money to buy some. Moreover, there started to float the information, that Brazilian justice was maybe about to swoop in and our target intended to move. Which would mean at least weeks of further work with little hope. In short, he watched out that every move against him was too risky or lengthy. He only didn't count with me.

I left for Brazil without saying goodbye to Matt. Chase. The second one didn't know I was going somewhere, yet we said goodbye. Our way. And for the last time. Then I flew out, gladly and ready. I had a week to look around and solve the situation without alarming or even being seen by CIA which was poking around the city according to S.H.I.E.L.D. I didn't assume it would take so long. As a matter of fact, I needed to ensure only two conditions - have my target at home and slip in unobserved by American eyes. And it solved almost itself in the end, although it took three days. At the third day of observation from afar and without any contact with the vicinity of the mansion, I confirmed a delivery coming daily through the gate approximately at the same time. Not big, older delivery with a cabin separated from the cargo space. There was always only the driver in the cabin and I didn't expect someone else hiding between the cargo. According to the inscription on the side, it belonged some local company. CIA noticed it, undoubtedly, otherwise, I would have to admit they're not hiring exactly sharp boys, but that was incidental. It didn't matter if and how much CIA or whoever else watched the delivery or the company. I only had to wait for it to leave the mansion again and follow at a safe distance and rather indirectly. I was pleased when it headed to several other places, like a storey building with emblem near doors, probably some institution of the state, and two bistros, so it truly delivered goods, and to the local mall at the end. He either considerably gambled and used local traders to his business or he just liked fresh fruit. It quite didn't matter. The plan was clear.

On the fourth day, it wasn't hard at all to blend in with customers, casually go to the mall and casually disappear into the storage. There to hide behind the racks then and wait for the delivery to come. I calculated everything to have enough time to inspect the storage, especially when the mall was open, so someone could interrupt me every now and then. Therefore I noticed ammo in some boxes instead of goods. I was in the right place.

Then the first delivery came, but the employees just put out several crates with fruit, so I stayed hidden and silent. The next one came empty and with charity label and the employees only grasped the boxes with cans. Finally, the right hour approached.  
Two employees also grasped boxes with goods upon the arrival of the next delivery, but then they came back for ammo and climbed to the cargo space with it to stack it behind the goods under the supervision of the driver who joined them. At that moment, I quickly considered my options. I couldn't jump into the cabin and leave. The driver would alarm my target. Nor could I jump into the cabin and make the driver ride with me. I wouldn't be able to let him go after that. But I could use him as an unaware taxi.  
After the employees closed the doors of the cargo space, the driver went ahead to the cabin. Meanwhile, I quietly rushed to the delivery, opened one wing of the doors a little, briskly jumped in and closed it behind me. I couldn't lock it from inside, but that was good. I only needed to get behind the gate of the mansion, where CIA didn't see, and buy a bit of time before causing an inevitable stir. What would happen after was clear.

I truly got behind the gate and walls of the mansion without problems this way. I was ready to squeeze in between the boxes even more, would the driver unload some goods before the fateful stop by chance, but it didn't happen. Moreover, it was unlikely, if he should stop at the same places as yesterday after delivery to my target. Hence my drive went without problems and I just watched where were we through a slot in the held doors. Then I waited for the gate to close and the delivery to zoom up to the garage and jumped out. It was driving dead slow, so it luckily wasn't any big dead fall. Only a bump to rise immediately and run away. Though... I wasn't so lucky with delaying the fuss, although not utterly surprisingly.

I ran into the first man right behind the garage. Beefy, inconspicuously dressed, with a look accustomed to watching his surroundings. Security. Guards. No one would expect my target to be alone. And it didn't really matter now. My mission wasn't to be low and watch. Or gather an intel. I was tasked to kill him. So it wasn't difficult to get rid of that man, my presence surprised him and he didn't react fast enough. But it was still soon. The surveillance cameras I didn't doubt were around the mansion probably worked. When I got into the building, there already were two more men with guns.  
I promptly took the gun out of the hands of the one closer to me and grabbed him. The second one aimed at me. So I let the first one go and jumped aside. Shots rang out. Soon, too soon.  
I could try to run further into the mansion, ignore them and go for my target, or roll over and jump on him, it was chaos, he wasn't able to aim precisely, he didn't shoot me and all the ways were still open. But the shooting woke up more ferocity than caution. I got to my feet and sent hot flame wall against them. Too soon too late.

When I had been learning to control my fire, Fury required to use it as a shield. To raise flames and tame them to make a wall of fire in front of me. So hot that it wouldn't let any attacker close to me and downright melt down or at least deflect bullets. Or to close myself in a fire ring, but that was trickier. The easiest was to veil myself into the flames, but clothes so thoroughly non-flammable wasn't available, it was inconvenient to ruin more and more and Fury liked to test my perception and made me increase my agility. He made me light faster and faster still hotter and hotter flames. Simply by shooting at me. Not right away, I learned to send flames into the trajectory of the bullet. But when it seemed I had nowhere to advance in such training, he did it several times. Instead of break the bullet trajectory, he put me into the trajectory. I believed he'd never aimed directly at my body, but one never knows. And this man certainly wanted to aim at my body.

So I sent my glowing shield against both men. It scorched the floor and the ceiling, ignite a table in its way, or charred it, and undoubtedly ruined much more furniture than I noticed on the first, disinterested look. And did not vanish again. The whole room started to burn very, very quickly. But the bullets didn't touch me. One of the men was left on the ground. The second one ran back inside, possibly burned but alive. So far. This one was badly burned, in the disgustingly farcical pose of an amazement of his own death as he ignited and fell before he felt the pain. It was quick to him, the too high temperature got him more reliably than crematory. Although it was still ugly. And I didn't hesitate then.

My target had his security and cameras. So he sent them for me with machines. I wasn't afraid of them. I didn't care about them. They were nothing to me. A merely annoying obstacle to cross. To loose myself and to loose a fire with it took a short while.  
Furniture, carpets, paintings, all flared up like a splinter. And people, if they didn't get scared and run. And they had not much time or space to run. Wallpapers writhed on the walls that started to crack with heat. The flames licked everything within reach from the floor to the ceiling. They blasted every room as I walked through with my mind focused only on my target. Even this was much faster than usual fire.

Finally, I came out of the house to the garden. After a tour of the ground floor, which seemed like an eternity but took a little while, my target wasn't to be found. The house behind me glowed and radiated, there were sounds of the panicked street, there were hellish sounds of cracking and hollow humming. It took a little while. They made me. They woke it up. And I didn't hesitate.

My target just got on his bike parked below the terrace, most probably in his desperate attempt to drive away. I wasn't afraid, he was terrified. If I let him go away from the incomprehensible demon I saw I became in his eyes, he would run right in the hands of CIA. But I didn't want to.

The fire was everywhere. Coming from me. I felt pleasant warmth where others melted away. I felt the ferocity of the flames and chaos it unleashed. And this chaos unleashed ferocity in me in return. Something in me wanted it and thrived on it. Something didn't want control. It wanted to devour. Everything threatening and ruinable. Everyone who could see me. Just... spread my arms and spring the flames to the sky. Close my eyes and give in. Melt in them. I felt light. As they should take me up and spin somewhere high above this garden, this ground, this earth. As I myself was a flame.

I reached out my arm to him. One thought was enough. No. No, it wasn't even thought. A part of me, the part that was fire, stormed out against him. The bike and his clothes flared up. And when the gasoline tank exploded, I didn't know whether it's the roar of the fire, the roar of ammo that the fire found in the bowels of the house or a roar of something else, inhuman.

Only with reluctance did I force myself to focus and disappear through the garden and the bigger and bigger crowd gathering as quickly as the fire was consuming the mansion. To return my feet firmly on the ground again and go. And perhaps realize it didn't have to be like this. It wasn't the plan to take it so intensely. I didn't do it for my pleasure. Not only did such action sucked much more energy than one fast, strict attack, but also it wasn't... it wasn't me. I truly had a feeling like something else was waking up. Or was it me? But the alien, unearthly joy of chaos and blaze appeared... monstrous. And I didn't really yearn to destroy. I'd learned to be mistress of my fire and I'd done it. Even though it had been tough. I shouldn't slip so much... by myself. I wasn't a monster, I... no.  
No, there was no time to think about it. It was time to run, contact the Headquarters, well, Fury, return home and leave others to puzzle over the cause of the abrupt and sweeping fire in vain. Very likely they would blame the guns and stocked material. Therefore I did what I always do. Cast all doubts aside, convinced myself I just did my job, the shooting provoked all collateral damage and that I was little too much protective, probably subconsciously, because I didn't know I had a reason yet. And in particular, that I ached for freedom and action. Because that was life for me. Real life. To be full of adrenalin. Don't need to stick to the ground. Don't stop. And don't need to be careful.

Yeah. It was awesome. Don't be careful. Don't think about responsibility. Too often. In Brazil, even before during our "goodbye" with Matt. Murdock. And when we didn't stick to the ground. So once I felt really miserable and ill one afternoon about a week after the return from Brazil, I packed some necessary things and moved from Matt. Chase.  
We already knew it would end up like this sooner or later. He himself started avoiding being at home at the same time as me. But now I wasn't able to stay any longer. It wouldn't be fair to bring someone else's child to his home.

I should feel like an utter bitch who chewed him, spat him out and used threw him away. Actually, both of them. I don't. I may be guilty of not feeling that and I perhaps should. But I didn't use him or spoil him or tear him up. We just tried and it didn't work. I kept only my ring. Till today, I don't know why. Nothing more from him. And the others... I have no reason to find faults between us. Or they in me. I refuse to take responsibility for what happened. I didn't manipulate with anyone. I didn't force anyone to anything. Everything was their choice and I didn't make it for them. I only step into their lives. For a while or longer if they wanted. They had no reason to regret. Nor me. We wanted it. We tried. And it didn't work. With Matthew. Matt. Or long after when everything looked completely different. When I finally grew up and when it should be different. It simply didn't work. Only it... hurts... so... so much. Not then, not yet. But now. Now, after everything, it hurts. I should be more careful from the moment I started to lose everything at a great speed. And not delve deeper into... what it actually was, the fate?


End file.
